Chapter 27- Spring, Summer, Winter and Fall

Going up Yellow Mountain, we experienced all 4 seasons in one day.

Bottom

When we started at the bottom it was so hot that we stripped down to t-shirt and shorts. The higher we got the colder it became. Midway through it resembled the monsoon season of Shanghai fall. Once we got to the top, it started to snow.

Top

I wanted nothing more than a hot shower at that point. However, having to share a bathroom with 8 other people, there was no hot water left by the time it was my turn.

The shower head was also directly above the toilet, so you can imagine how small the bathroom was. Carlos said he had to “shit, shower and shave” all at the same time. I blame him for using up all the hot water.

Having cheapened out on our room, we decided to splurge on dinner. And by splurge, I mean overpay for food that’s worth a fraction of the price. We literally ate the same dish for 10 kuai (rmb) the night before. Except up the mountain, it was no longer called eggplant but “Sautéed Heavenly Purple” and cost us 80 kuai.

The rest of the evening was uneventful (thank God). Most people were exhausted and we had an early morning planned the next day.

I was in the middle of a pleasant dream when Carlos woke me up.

“What do you want?” I said to him with pent-up resentment.

“Not you.” He responded, then went on to say “Go look outside!”

‘What a freak’ I thought as I groggily stepped out.

“Oh my God…” my jaws dropped, “I’m back in Canada!”

The entire mountain top was blanketed in snow so thick that it could bury a small child, or me.

“Omg omg omg!” exclaimed Lucy and Helen.

“Ugh I know right? Going downhill is gonna suck ASS!” I complained, except when I looked over, I realized they were screaming with glee.

Then I remembered that one’s from Taiwan, the other’s from Brazil, and neither had seen snow before.

“Snow virgins…Enjoy it before it turns to ice or slush!” I shouted as I headed back in.

Lucy was now making a snow angel in her PJs.

It was about time to get up anyway, so I dashed into the bathroom before anybody else wakes up.

If I ever buy a house, it needs at least 5 bathrooms! Kitchen Optional.

“There is no way in hell I’m going down the mountain with that snow.” I said when everyone finished packing, “I’m taking the cable car, anyone else?”

All the girls’ hands immediately shot up.

The guys debated amongst themselves, not wanting to be seen as a P-word, but also not wanting to slip, fall and die.

Finally, when Fredrik said “Fuck it, I’m taking the cable car.”, the rest decided to join as well.

Lucy and Helen had a hard time leaving “Winter Wonderland” as they called it, and kept falling behind taking selfies. On the ride down, they continued with their picture rampage.

“Picture! Picture!” Helen shouted “Picture with all of us!”

“Now picture of me and Lucy!”

All of us were slightly annoyed but also bemused at their level of enthusiasm over snow.

“Awesome! Now a picture of the two of us!” She laughed happily as she sat next to Carlos.

“God!” Carlos blurted out, “You’re like a dog!”

“What?” She continued to laugh while looking confused.

The rest of us gasped and held our breaths, unsure of what would happen next.

“Yeah, when I yell “Treats! Treats! Treats!” my dog come wagging his tail.” He went on to elaborate “All I have to do is yell “Picture! Picture! Picture!” to get your attention.” He said as he looked around for agreement.

Except no one was meeting his eyes. Not even the guys laughed this time.

“Whatever…” She brushed it off with an eye roll.

The rest of the ride down was in complete silence as everyone knew that he had crossed the line.

—-

It took awhile to sink in, but by the time we got off, Helen was crying on my shoulders.

Everybody has dispersed by this point, but Carlos was within earshot.

“So this is how you treat the women in your lives. You call your friends whores, and your girlfriend a dog. You must feel like a big man. You….

“Ugh” He dragged Helen away before I could say anything else.

‘Punch him! Punch him!’ I thought despite what I normally teach my students about nonviolence resolutions.

I wandered over to Lucy, while glancing back once in awhile, hoping that Helen was now giving Carlos a taste of her knuckles.

Eventually Helen joined us, eyes still swollen but no longer bawling.

“Tell me you dumped his ass!” were my first words to her.

“No…” She said looking down.

“What! No! That was unacceptable behavior back there!” I was outraged.

“He said it was Will.” She continued. “Will told him he was annoyed with my picture taking, so he felt like he had to say something…”

My jaws dropped again. I could not believe that coward blamed it on Will…

“He said he was really sorry!” Helen said, as if begging for my forgiveness. “He said he will make it up to me tonight…”

Lucy rubbed her back as Helen was on the verge of tears again.

“It’s ok,” Lucy tried to comfort her “Lukas say those things to me all the time. You just have to ignore it.”

“Lucy…no…” I was horrified, “You are just encouraging that kind of behavior…”

But by this point, I knew they were no longer listening.

—

On the ride back, I pretended to pay attention as Helen, now back to her old bubbly self, told me of what Carlos had planned for their dinner tonight. Then I watched as she jumped into his arms when he bought her a painting at the souvenir shop.

I was sad but no longer surprised. While it’s easy to advise and criticize, given same situation, no one can really predict how they would react.

But I knew for a fact, as we parted ways, that this would be the last time I ever saw Carlos.

—-

Author’s note

Fun Fact: I chose the pseudonym for the character “Carlos” randomly, only to realize afterwards it was actually the name of his dog.

Merry Christmas everybody!

Chapter 21- “Friends” The Ethnic Edition

Insert my face, and imagine a more ethnic cast

Don’t die of shock now, but Helen and Carlos started going out. (see previous chapter for reference)

We introduced Carlos to Lukas, sparks flew, and the rest is history. The two of them are now starring in their own buddy romance movie coming to a theatre near you.

Carlos’ roommate and his girlfriend soon joined our friend circle. The roommate is an Asian American guy named Will. The two of them got on well because Carlos liked to lead and Will preferred to follow. I also got along with Will because I like to make fun of him, and he doesn’t cry when I do.

Will’s girlfriend is Shanghainese but lived in Australia most of her life. The first thing I noticed is that she had serious “Feeg Face”.

Feeg Face

Adj.

Same as “Resting bitch-face”; coined after my friend Feegs, due to her exceptional ability to come off as cold and unfriendly.

Fortunately, from experience with Feegs, I knew that first impressions can be unreliable. Many people who appear standoffish at first turn out to be extremely genuine. They cannot fake friendliness towards strangers, but once you get to know them, they become big cuddly teddy bears.

With that in mind, I introduced myself, and gave her a look that said “You don’t know it yet, but you and I are gonna be best friends!”

She gave me a look that said “Stop staring at me creep” then stayed 50 feet away from me all night.

And that’s how I met Ronnie, one of my favorite people from Shanghai. If I could import anything from China, I’d import her.

Of course we didn’t become BFFs until much later. Right now she is just Will’s GF, like Lucy is just Lukas’ GF.  God, if only I could abbreviate everything, this story would go much quicker…Oh well, WTH! YOLO TGIF Amirite!!!

Although I met countless people through Carlos and Helen (The Kevin Bacons of Shanghai), my innermost friend circle consist of Helen & Carlos, Lukas & Lucy, Will & Ronnie. Oh and me, the single, odd duck out.

Not that I minded being the 7^th wheel. It was always my dream to live in a big city, with a tightknit group of twenty-something men and women as friends, and develop codependent relationships. I wonder if it has anything to do with my obsession with the TV show Friends.  Or as they call it in China “六人行” (The adventures of 6 people). Seven is close enough. I shall just create a new character for myself called Yolanda!

So Yolanda and Gang would hangout every weekend. Except instead of a coffee shop, we hung out at Carlo’s massive condo. We’d have Mexican nights with burritos and margaritas, Japanese nights with Sushi and Sake. We’d also have movie nights such as the Home Alone marathon, and they introduced me to Barbie sex through Team America.

Taco night!

Being in Shanghai after all, we would go out most Fridays and Saturdays. Expats like to party by first hitting up a Teppanyaki. Which are “All you can eat AND DRINK” Japanese buffets for 200kuai or $30. Foreigners like to get sloshed on Sake Bombs (Beer and Sake) then go Karaoke or a club like Muse, Muse 2, or Muse on the Bund.

Can you imagine doing all that in North America? It’d cost you an arm and leg! Literally if you are on a teacher’s salary in Canada. “I poor. I teacher. Take my leg instead.”

I remember the first time I went to some Italian expat’s birthday party in a club, people were spraying eachother with champagne. I was horrified. “Stop!!!” I’d yell “That’s an expensive brand!!!” Next thing you know, I’m the one on the bar spraying champagne.

Ok not really, because I firmly believe that “Thou shall not waste alcohol”.

Aside from eat, drink and party “like a Bawse”, we also took weekend trips out of town. There was the watertown Zhujiajiao, aka. The Venice of Shanghai.

Never been to Venice. Close enough right?

Wuxi- For their famous xiaolongbaos (mini steamed buns).

Post Xiaolongbao McFlurries

My mom would call on the weekends, only to catch me on the way out on some other adventure with my new pals.

“Sorry mom, can’t talk! In a rush!”

“Sorry mom, in the middle of a game, it’s my turn!”

“What? Who? I can’t hear you! Too loud in here!”

“Who are these new friends of yours?” She asked when she finally got ahold of me.

“Oh mom, they are so awesome! We have so much fun!” I’d gush on and on.

“Ok…I guess as long as you’re happy. Just be careful though, not everyone is as good as they first appear.” She’d say in an ominous tone.

“Oh mom” I’d roll my eyes “You worry too much!”

Chapter 19- “You Swallowed a toothbrush?!?!” (Christmas part3)

This story is so ridiculously dramatic that I had to make it a Christmas trilogy. But let me assure you that it’s not the least bit exaggerated.

It’s Just. That. Stupid.

—

Back on the sunny beaches of Sanya, I got up one day to brush my teeth.

The toothbrush I brought was one of those cheapy hotel ones. I collect them because of the mini-toothpaste inside, which means A-okay for carry-on!

Like these.

When I opened the package, I noticed this one was especially cheap looking. I didn’t think much about it, but as I brushed my teeth, I can feel the bristles falling off. Ew. I was disgusted and tried to spit them out. Unfortunately in the process, I think I swallowed a bristle or two.

For the rest of the day, I tried to ignore the feeling that plastic bristles were jabbing me in the throat. Every once in a while, I tried hawking it out like old Chinese men, but didn’t work. People around me thought I was possessed.

FYI, I’m also kind of a hypochondriac. I was convinced that I had the SARS, the bird flu and once I found out that HPV can remain dormant for years, and be transferable even in a monogamous relationship, I vowed to never have sex again. J was not happy about this.

So while others frolicked in the sun, I was fabricating gruesome and dire scenarios in my head. I pictured a massive hemorrhage inside my lungs.

Knowing that I have a penchant for the crazy, I turned to Lukas. He is always logical one, I needed him to say something rational and reassuring.

“My cousin once had a fish bone stuck in her wind pipe.” He said “She got to surgery late and almost DIED!”

I immediately passed out.

—

When I came to, my coworkers were hovering over me.

“She’s awake!” Lucy was there too “Give her some water!”

“What happened?” asked John, looking seriously concerned.

I explained the toothbrush story, and once finished, I felt faint again. Then I threw up in the sand.

John said he would take me to a hospital, and Lucy volunteered herself (and Lukas) because she can speak Chinese.

Lucy asked for the nearest hospital and so we went as John half carried me.

After waiting half an hour, I was told it’s almost closing time.

I could tell the doctor was in a rush to leave, so told my story quickly and he examined me.

“Where does it hurt?” He asked as I pointed to the bottom of my neck.

“We don’t have the equipment to examine that far. You’re gonna have to go to another hospital.”

Fuck me.

So then we took a cab to a hospital across town, during rush hour.

Have you ever been to a Chinese hospital before? I’ll spare you the details, but imagine the hassle of registering, finding the right department, and waiting in a North American hospital. Times that number by 150. Then you get a regular Chinese hospital. This particular Sanya hospital however, is that number times 50, divided by 2.5, add another ¾ then do a logarithm of….

I think  you get the point.

Thank God for Lucy! The poor girl had to run around the entire hospital, up and down, getting all the paperwork done.

I had nothing but a beach dress on, and was shaking violently from the A/C. John saw this and gave me his only shirt. For the rest of the night, he had to walk around half-naked.

Up til now, I considered Lukas to be my closest friends out of all these people. We hung out often along with Helen and always had so much fun. We called us The 3 Musketeers.

Which is why I was surprised by Lukas’ lack of concern. While his girlfriend was holding my hand and comforting me, he was playing on his Iphone. Every time I asked to him for anything, such as water, he just looked annoyed. The lack of empathy sent a shiver down my already cold spine.

After waiting what felt like a gazillion year, it was finally my turn, only to be told that the ENT(Eyes Nose Throat) specialist was on vacation.

Fuck me in the face!

“Why didn’t someone tell me earlier?” I was on the verge of tears. “ I could be dead in a few hours! Do you want me to die here??? Do you???”

Luckily screaming like a madwoman gets you the attention you need. Another doctor overheard and promised he’ll take a look at me in a second.

As I calmed down, I decided to call my parents.

I asked to borrow Lukas phone. He gave it to me reluctantly.

“Hi mom” I said as tears streamed down my face. “I just wanted to tell you… That in case something happens to me tonight…that I lo…”

“Why you talking crazy? Calm yourself and tell me what happened!” My mom yelled on the other end.

I proceeded to tell her everything.

My dad was now listening on speaker, and he’s a even paranoid than I am.

“You swallowed a TOOTHBRUSH?!?!?!” He screamed.

“No, no, toothbrush BRISTLE” I explained.

But he was too rattled to listen anymore, and all I could hear on the other end was “OMG, OMG, OMG! Call my sister- in-law! She’s a doctor! She can fly there!!!”

Needless to say, the “Kathy swallowed a toothbrush” story was told hereafter at every Chinese New Year, Mid autumn fest and every other holidays where families eat.

Finally, the nice doctor came to see me. Again, nothing he could do because the equipment needed was locked up by the doctor on vacation.

He referred me to yet another hospital.

You know those hospitals you see in horror movies? This third one was exactly like that.

It was extremely run down and filled with half dead patients on stretchers.

As we walked down dingy hall ways, Lucy screamed out “Omg is that blood?!?!?!”

It was either blood or poop, but either way, we ran like hell.

I told them “Let’s just leave! I don’t care if I die anymore! Just lemme dieeeeee!” I can be a bit overdramatic sometime.

John said “Let’s just try this one last time. Then we can give up.”

After some coaxing I decided to stay. Lucy had to run around again, registering, paying, etc. Before this, she was just Luka’s girlfriend to me. Now I felt bad for never taking the time to get to know her.

Once again China surprised me, because it was at this third-tier hospital that I got the help I needed.

The doctor gave me a whole bunch of tests, throat exam, X-rays, MRI, Ultrasound, I dunno.

I asked him “Am I gonna die?”

He laughed. “If it’s actually stuck in the windpipe, you would have choked to be death already!”

That was the most reassuring thing I’ve heard all day.

John started to crack jokes as we waited for the test results. I was starting to feel better already as Lucy snapped pictures of a him half-naked next to the blood stained walls.

When we finally got home. I found a brand new Crest toothbrush on my pillow(The fancy kind with tongue cleaner!) The note said “Merry Christmas. From Allison”

—

I took them all out to lunch the next day as a thank you. I said “Get whatever your heart desires coz it’s on me! I swallowed a toothbrush and LIVED! Nothing can ever keep me down again!”

The moral of the story is, I can be insane sometimes. But with the support of a few good friends, I can live to laugh about it later. And believe me, there was plenty of laughter the next day…and next month…and at every single staff meetings since….

Chapter 18- Christmas on a Beach (part 2)

After finding out that Linda (UK gal) and Jacob (UK guy) were not a couple, I became intrigued.

The feasibility of an actual relationship was never my concern. I only had one thing on my mind: Dating.

Sorry for overusing the “candy= guys” analogy, but having only had Snickers so far, I wanted to see what else was out there. I wanted to try the KitKats, the O’Henrys, and maybe even *gasp* The Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups!

I never understood how people can marry their first girlfriend/boyfriend. How do you know they’re the one??? I needed to explore all my prospects before settling down with just one type of Candy for the rest of my life. That’s a long time of eating only Snickers!

If my ex was a Snickers, then Jacob was a white-chocolate-covered Twix. Both of them were over 6 feet tall, but that’s where the similarities end. He was mild mannered, quiet and extremely soft-spoken. The exact opposite of my ex.

I had a feeling that every guy from now on would be compared to my ex.

He was also not very aggressive, the most we did was hold hands. I think he tried to kiss me at one point, but it took too long and I got distracted by something shiny.

Once the trip was over, he said I should visit him in Guangzhou, and I invited him to Shanghai. We promised to keep in touch on Wechat. (like Whasapp but better) Of course in my head, I was like “Yeah right, it’s over.”

To my surprise, he texted right when he landed, and we continued to keep in touch after that.

—

Fast forward a few months to Chinese New Year.

He asked me where I was going for the upcoming break. I told him I was going to visit my dad’s family in Hunan province. He said that’s really close to him.

Now, people make a lot of empty gestures, especially expats in China. “Yeah, let’s totally meet up again!” “Sure I’ll make that quiche for you some time!” Then you never see eachother again.

People just say things sometimes!

So when he mentioned not knowing where to go for Chinese New Year. I said “Feel free to come visit me in Hunan!”

I didn’t expect him to actually take me up on the offer.

The next thing I know, my dad and I were picking him up from the train station.

I didn’t go out of my way to show him around, but he did come along on all of our family outings. It was awkward, explaining to everyone that “No, this big tall British man was not my boyfriend.” My grandma especially, did not understand.

After about 2 days, I was exhausted! I was tired of having to translate everything for him, when I had trouble understanding him myself! I said he was soft-spoken before. What I meant was he was the World’s Quietest Talker Ever! Plus that accent…

Here’s a typical conversation:

Jacob- “So I really sfsaewrwersdfsfs( incomprehensible)”

Me-  “Oh, yeah so true.” *smile nod*

Aunt- (in Chinese) “What did he say???”

Me- (In Chinese) “I don’t know” *shrug*

After another day or two, I finally found my way out.

Chinese new year was the worst time for travelling within China. It was so busy that he was unable to pre-purchase a return ticket. So I asked my aunt to pull some strings and get him a ticket. She said the best thing that she could get was in a week, unless he wanted to leave tomorrow morning.

“Tomorrow! Tomorrow!!!! Get him the ticket for TOMORROW!!!” I may have seemed a bit too eager.

When I gave him that ticket, I apologized and pretended it was the only option available. In my head I justified it as “He must want to leave just as badly. I was giving him an out.”

I sighed with relieve as I closed that chapter.

Or so I thought.

—-

Fast forward a few more months.

Out of nowhere I get a call from him, saying he was in Shanghai. I think there was a delay in his flight or he was stuck at the airport somehow.

I was rushing to class, so I told him I couldn’t talk, but gave him Jenny’s phone number.

She told me later that Jacob needed a place to stay for a few days, so Alan gave him the keys to his dorm. They were also going to take him around Shanghai, and that I should come.

I mumbled “Sure, maybe. I have plans this entire weekend, but text me and I’ll try to join.”

I considered going, but then decided I had better plans. I also didn’t feel like having more awkward conversations, so I made sure to avoid running into him in the hallways. (It involved a lot of peeking out, then stepping out. Like a mouse.)

After he left, Jenny asked what happened to me this weekend.

“He showed up without notice, it was too late to change my plans!” I justified myself.

“He really liked you, the least you could do was say Hi.”

“No, we’re just friends.” I replied with a straight face.

“He rode a 6-hour train to see you! Each way!” She said with disbelief.

“No…I extended a friendly invite. He took me up on it. It wasn’t a marriage proposal.” I said in defense, suspiciously echoing Lukas’ speech.

“You can be such an asshole sometimes.” Annie chimed in from across the office.

Shut up Annie! What do you know!

—–

As I write this, I noticed a pattern to my behavior. Which I like to call “The Coward’s Guide to Life”, or “DIJA”.

D- Deny

I- Ignore

J- Justify (my actions in my head)

A- Avoid

Again, this is all in hindsight. At the time, everything would happen subconsciously without me realizing.

However, the universe has a way of doing onto you, what you’ve done to others.

If only to make you realize what an asshole you were.

Chapter 17- Fat kid at a candy store

A candy store of men that is…

I’ve said before that I’m a late bloomer, and didn’t discover boys until…um 21? Besides my ex, I’ve only “dated” a few other guys I’ve met on OkCupid. One guy wanted a “roll in the hay”, another one was gay. I don’t know why he still asked me upstairs to “Make jello”. Really wish I went, just to see what he meant.

In terms of flirting, I was about as experienced as a Napoleon Dyanmite.

Case in point:

I went on a crusie with my girlfriends in the Bahamas. One night at a show, we noticed a bunch of guys waving at us to come and join them.

Some older black ladies yelled out “You girls be careful now!” followed by “Wish I was that young again!”

One guy started chatting me up and made a comment about how I could be a model.

I retorted with “What are you talking about??? No I cannot! Have you seen a runway show? Models are like 6 feet tall! I’m at most 5 foot 0…Sure Shakira is 4’11, and Kate Moss is tiny, but these odds are not in my favour! And Shakira was technically a singer…”

The rant went on for 5 minutes before I realized hmmm…perhaps that was not a sincere comment but rather what they call “a line” …Interesting, interesting…

Of course by then he was flirting with another girl.

—

Luckily under the tutelage of Helen, I know by now to just smile, nod and say “Why Thank you!”. Cue eyelash-batting and light shoulder brushing.

With new found powers come new found…boys boys boys!

Boy I’ve never seen so many single and eligle men under one starry (and slight polluted) sky! Most of the expat men come here unattached. Which make sense because if you have a family, you cannot uproot so easily. Even those in relationships, usually become single after a few months. Read on and you’ll see why.

It was literally like I’m a deprived kid being thrown into a candy stores. Except instead of Hershey’s Kisses it was filled with guys.

And you bet I got fat!

Boat guy was just the start of it. We hung out (partied) together a few times. He was sweet, but way too young for me and eventually it just fizzled out. Don’t worry, neither of us lost any sleep over it.

Once I realized the possibilities out there, I lost interest in John as well. He was nice, but things started to annoy me about him.

How did I end it?

One night he came over to hang out. I said I was busy.

Another time, he asked me to brunch. I said I had plans.

Then I started to ignore his texts and calls.

Then I started to avoid him altogether outside of work.

He got the message eventually.

I never said I was great at confrontations…

Luckily, we didn’t let any of it affect our professional relationship, and for that I’m extremely grateful for him.

So who am I?

I know that I’m not Charlotte. I definitely didn’t want to settle down and have kids, as demonstrated with my ex. Will I ever want to get married? I didn’t know.

Carrie annoyed me, so I hope I’m not her!

I guess I indentified the most of Miranda before, but how do I know that I’m not actually a Samantha???A strong confident woman that defied stereotypes, she answered to no one but herself!

Yeah why not! I could maybe possibly be a Samantha!

Just maybe.

PS: I apologize for all the TV references, but being a TV addict I’m going to keep making them. Today’s reference was to Sex and the City. Thanks for reading!

Chapter 11- Don’t shit where you eat.

Sometimes I get frustrated writing this blog because I just want to skip all the crap and get directly to the good stuff, ya know? Like how you just want to skip the meal and get straight to dessert. I really like dessert…Cheesecake…Mmmm…

However, I try to follow the age old adage of “When I finish my peas, I can eat what I please.” –Eric Foreman, That 70’s Show.

Also, what great love story ever started with two people meeting, falling love and living happily ever after? That’s when the movie ends! Nobody wants to see that… Carrie had to go through a million guys before she ended up with Big. Ross had to sleep with that girl from the copy place so the show can go on.

In hindsight, I really did enjoy the journey.  It was great fun and I wouldn’t skip any part of it! I learned so much about myself, and have zero regrets.

That’s hindsight though, always the smart mouth. While it’s happening, you wouldn’t believe what a Whiny Nancy I was! (Am…)

I whined, I cried the first year in China.

I whined, I cried the second year on the way back to China.

“Oh God, the loneliness is soul crushing! Once I got so sick and thought that if I died, no one would find me until Monday when I fail to show up for Accounting class! Or maybe the kids would just be so happy not having to do another trial balance, they wouldn’t even report it! ”

Funny how I used to think of myself as a lone wolf before China. Solitary, introspective, independent like North Korea.

Loneliness, or the fear of loneliness can drive a person to do things they normally wouldn’t. Such as hooking up with a coworker.

Now office romance isn’t exactly uncommon. In fact most people meet their spouses at work. Plus this is China, most expat couples in the school were colleagues. They almost hope you hook up because then there’s a higher chance of both of you staying another year. The most senior foreign teachers were a couple who have been in Shanghai for 7 years. They just had a baby last year. They are never leaving.

I, being the stickler I am to rules, always believed in never dipping your pen in the company ink. Never shit where you eat. Etc.

I got many “offers” from the male staff to have “relationships”. By offers, I mean practically sexual harassment suits waiting to happen, if this wasn’t China. And by relationships I mean a “roll in the hay”.

I’m not sure why I’m talking in code like a Catholic nun, but basically they all wanted to be Fuck Buddies.

My coworker Leslie actually said to me “People get lonely, these things happen! So why not you and me!”

He was the most polite and considerate one.

I said “Thanks but no thanks.”

By the second week, Jenny and Alan have hooked up. I guess he did break up with his bi-sexual girlfriend.

I can’t quite pinpoint when John and I first started flirting. He admitted to me that he has serious yellow fever, and thinks Asian girls are just gorgeous. Not quite a complement considering there are billions of us out there.

However, it did indicate his interest without being overly aggressive. And he was never aggressive like the other male teachers. He was always gentlemanly and paid extra attention to my needs. No jokes please. I meant that if I was cold, he’d give me a jacket.

Perhaps that’s why he didn’t turn me off so much like the others.

Could also be because Annie (aka. Maria 2.0) was interested in him. She told us that he was everything she was looking for in a guy. Umm… he wasn’t that great, but ok.

Girls, admit it, if someone else is interested in a guy, it automatically elevates his attractiveness.

So John went from a 4 to a 7. It was Annie’s interest combined with loneliness goggles.

Loneliness Goggles:

noun

Similar to Beer Googles, except it develops through being alone for a prolonged period of time. The lack of options makes someone appear more attractive than they actually are.

Example “ I thought he looked like George Clooney before, but now that I have my Loneliness Goggles off, he looks more like Keith Richards.”

Eventually things happened, after flirting outrageously for weeks. I don’t quite remember when or how exactly, but think it was after another alcohol fueled night out.

We both agreed that when you’re in another country, everybody gets lonely sometimes and these things happen. I didn’t agree with Leslie, but I agreed with John.

This was a purely “friends with benefits” things.

Honestly, we were more Friends than Benefits. Most nights we were so tired from work, we just talked or watched movies. He told me all about his past relationships, his friends and family. I did the same. We had brunches and watched Crazy Stupid Love together.

We hung out a lot. So much that Annie got suspicious.

“Are you guys fucking?” She demanded.

Yes, she talks like that.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but NO.” I unanswered unflinchingly.

“But you watched Crazy Stupid Love together!!!”

I’m not sure how her logic works, but apparently that’s the movie to get someone into bed. So readers, please try and let me know if it actually works.

Anyhow, we were both extremely careful to keep our relationship on the down low. However acceptable it may be in China, we didn’t want it to influence our work. People had their suspicions, but no one ever confirmed it. I know this because Jenny asked me about it ages later.

“So really nothing happened between you and John?”

“Absolutely nothing.”

I was a good liar.

Chapter 10- The Real World Shanghai Edition

The next day, we met the rest of the foreign staff, “The Americans”, as we called them. The school puts all non-Chinese teachers in the same building. It was a little bit like The Real World. I’m just waiting for someone to hook up with someone and someone to come out as gay.

My next door neighbor is this bubbly brunette girl from the Tennessee named Allison. She was real friendly and spoke like a true Southern gal y’all.

She was friends with this tall lanky white guy called James. He was so shy, and so skinny, and oh so white. Leslie and John called him ET. Poor guy, I really quite like him.

Across the hall lived Alan, who was here last year as well. We all thought he was of Indian heritage, but turns out he was actually a mix of Caucasian and Pilipino. He hooked up with this other teacher last year, who I later on found out was actually bi-sexual, and totally hit on me, but that’s later. I secretly wondered if they are still dating.

There were also two black teachers. One of them a 40 something guy from the Caribbean. He would randomly burst out into a song and dance number while walking down the street. He was my favourite. I would often join him in his rendition of Someone Like You by Adele.

The other black guy was from Virginia, and born in the same year as me. When I first laid eyes on him, I thought, WOW he was just SO. EFFING. HOT.

And I never think of guys like that! The last guy that I thought was somewhat good looking was that dude from Avatar. See! I didn’t even care enough to look up his name! Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am a lesbian after all.

Ahem. There were a lot more foreign teachers but most didn’t live with us. Some were coupled up, so they moved off campus. One guy was rumored to have been kicked out for bringing too many strange women back. Yeah, white guys in China, more on that later.

I’ve never had the proper college experience. I went to a big commuter school, and didn’t really make friends until third year. I never did the living on campus, party all the time, sexual experimentation that was promised to me by countless Hollywood movies. And now here I am, surrounded by single 20, 30 somethings living in dorms (literally dorm rooms that they renovated for foreign teachers), always ready to go out drinking and partying.

And so that’s what we did on the second night there. We partied.

I must have been to one club in my entire last year in Shanghai, and that was when my ex boyfriend visited. He wanted to see the Shanghai nightlife, so we went to a club recommended by Frommer’s. We danced like nobody’s business, and left around 10pm.

This time, we went to so many clubs I honestly can’t remember where we went. I just know that we started at a bar called Windows, and ended up talking a bunch of Korean people outside on a couch somewhere.

In between, I remember the Hot Black Guy buying me drinks. Well ok, if you insist Hot Black Guy.

Many shots may have been poured, and somehow we ended up back on campus and making out in the hallways.

No, I did not sleep with him. And yes, he tried.

I went back to my own room, and immediately passed out.

The next day, we all met up properly in broad day night, sans alcohol.

This must have been the first time I heard him talk for longer than 5 minutes.

You know how some guys say “She was so hot until she opened her mouth.”?

Normally I’d say “Misogynist! Women Hater!” Now? Well…let’s just say it’s not gender specific.

He basically went from “Hot Black Guy” to “DEAR GOD WHO WOULD EVER DATE SOMEONE LIKE THAT AND WHY IS HE STILL TALKING PLEASE STOP TALKING!!!”.

So maybe we just call him Ron from now on.

Chapter 9- New year, new peeps

First year flashed by like lightning. Working 24/7 had its advantages; you’re so in the flow you don’t feel the time go by.

Same thing goes with having fun. Before I knew it, summer was over and a new school year was about to begin.

New school year meant new coworkers.

Oh did I mention that 3 out 4 of the previous year’s staff quit? I’ll let you have a few minutes to do that calculation…

Correct! I’m the only returning teacher. You get a star!

The couple, who I love dearly and am still friends with, was not a fan of China. Mostly because they hated Chinese food I think. I don’t understand…what’s not to like? Stir-fry bullfrogs and deep fried scorpions? Some say it taste like French fries!

While I was saddened by their departure, I was relieved by Maria’s decision not to return. There was a period where she considered staying, steady income and all, but in the end she was just too frustrated by her lack of success in the romantic department. Unfortunately, the affair with the 50 year old married man was disrupted by his wife coming into the country. His daughter seemed ok with it, but somehow I don’t think the wife would have been too happy.

“Who will be my new coworkers??? I hope they are nice. Forget it, I just hope they are normal.” I thought as I sat waiting at the airport.

And introducing…the new peeps! Drumroll please…

Jenny- Early 20s. Brown/blondish hair. Mild mannered. Good, very normal. No psychopathic tendencies so far.

John- Short white guy. Early 30s. Seems nice, but who knows.

Leslie- French guy with a girl’s name. Smokes like a chimney and hates everything and everyone in the world. But that’s pretty normal for the French. So far so good.

Annie- She sure reminds me of Maria. Early 30s, from small town Canada, talks a lot and kind of abrasive. Seem to like alcohol a lot, that’s a plus. The only time I could stand Maria was when she drinks…Wait no, it’s when I WAS drinking…

Last year 50% of the staff were coupled.

This year, 100% are single.

We would also be living next to each other on the same floor.

Well, should be fun! I hope they like fried scorpions…

Chapter 5- Joe’s back

Remember Joe? My first boyfriend? The guy whom I broke up with because I had to spread my wings in China?

Well, one day he showed up in Shanghai.

Don’t worry, it wasn’t a stalkery, can’t-take-no-for-an-answer-ex-boyfriend kinda situation.

Since “on a break” never meant what it should, we ended up skyping every weekend since I’ve been in China. And because I’ve been so lonely in Shanghai, him showing up one day seemed like the best surprise ever! Because we were still “on a break”, he assured me that this was just an impromptu visit on his part. He had accumulated a month of vacation, and since he’s never been to China before he wanted to take advantage of it while he still had me as a guide.

So during the week while I worked, he flew to other places like Beijing and Hong Kong. Then he would fly back to Shanghai to spend the weekend with me. I took him to all the places in Shanghai that I only read about but didn’t dare to venture alone. Just two friends, hanging out, no expectations whatsoever.

However, one night after too many drinks, the conversation got less breezy.

“So…are you actually coming back to Canada next year?” He asked.

I pretended to be caught off guard but knew deep down that this talk was coming.

“I think so. But I don’t really want to make any promises I can’t keep!” I said casually.

“I could move here you know.” He suggested, and not for the first time.

“You don’t really want to do that .” I protested, perhaps a little too quickly.

No longer able to hold back he blurted out “Please!”

“Please.” He took a deep breath and attempted to compose himself, “If you don’t actually want to be with me, then please just tell me!”

Not wanting to make a scene, I waved at the bartender to settle our bill.

“Tell me that you never want to see me again.” He continued his speech as we were leaving.

“You’ve had too much to drink” I brushed it off as we started to leave.

Once we were on the street, I tried to hail a cab to take us home so he could get some sleep and be in his right mind again, but he wasn’t finished.

“Tell me that you don’t want to see me anymore.” He pleaded with his eyes, this time dead serious, “Because I don’t think I could move on otherwise.”  

I stood there stunned, absolutely speechless.

Then the cab came.

Chapter 4- Crazy Maria

My school was part of a partnership with an established local school that only started a year ago. The year I joined, the school had expanded its hiring by 100%. So now there were four teachers instead of two.

Despite having nothing in common, we started hanging out by default. Because when you are in a country with no family or friends around, you took what you could get. Beggars can’t be choosers you know. Just kidding, two of them were super nice and we still keep in touch to this day.

However, the third one was…and how do I put this in a nice Canadian way? Oh yes, she was totally and completely batshit crazy.

Now I’m not proud of this, but the rest of us kind of called her Crazy Maria behind her back. I know this makes us look really bad but I think it’s important to include the truth because it just goes to show you that adults can be mean too.

At the time, I believed that the nickname was justified because she was such a horrible person. She always acted selfishly and tried to get her way at the expense of the rest of us. She was also the most negative person I’ve ever met. Every single thing that came out of her mouth was a complaint, and she had the ability to talked non-stop whether people were listening or not. So naturally, the rest of us bonded over our annoyance at her relentless negativity.

Yet, I still hung out with her. I hung out with her because the other two were a couple and I didn’t like third-wheeling. And I hung out with her because that’s how desperately lonely I was.

After spending a couple of weekends with Maria, I realized that we were wrong.

We were wrong when we speculated that her only hobby was complaining. She had another hobby, and that was going to bars and picking up men. Really, really, really old men.

Most Friday nights went like this: the four of us would go out for dinner at a nearby burger/pizza/pasta joint. The couple usually had a drink or two and left around eleven. Always wanting to keep the partying going, Maria would buy me drinks so I’d stick around and keep her company. Which entailed staying with her until some guy (usually some really really really old white guy) approaches our table. When that happened I knew it was my cue to leave.

I was happy with this arrangement. I got free beer. She got old men. And that pretty much summed up my social life for the first year.

You are probably wondering why I didn’t try to immerse myself and make friends with the locals. After all, it should have been quite easy for someone like me, and I thought so as well. Before I left Canada, I told my friends “Hasta La Vista Baby”, but I won’t be back because I was going to replace them with a newer, better and more Chinese version of them and my new Chinese friends and I would eat dim sum and go karaoke every day.

However, the few times that I managed to meet up with people through friends of friends who had relatives in Shanghai, I discovered with great sadness that I didn’t fit in quite as easily as I thought. I usually felt lost during the conversation because I wasn’t aware of the latest cultural trends and didn’t keep up with local politics. Most of the time I just sat there nodding along silently while pretending I knew what they were talking about. To be honest it probably would have been easier if I was white. No matter what social faux pas I committed, people would just excuse my behavior because I was a foreigner. But people usually just got confused because I looked like them and talked like them, but yet there was just something a bit off about me.

After a while, I got tired of trying to fit in and desperately wanted to get rid of the nagging feeling that maybe I didn’t quite belong anywhere anymore.