It’s been forever since I last posted, but it’s for good reason I promise.
Many of you already know this, but I am…drumroll please…pregnant!
Omg, what a relief to say that out loud! I’ve waited over three months to share this news. Three painful, agonizing months of keeping a secret this big to myself. And now that it’s out, I can finally share all the stuff that I learned these past three months.
#1- Why doesn’t everyone wear maternity clothes? Why wear anything else, ever? It is the most comfortable thing! No more sucking in your stomach for photos, or having to unzip your pants after a big meal. Get yourself some whether you are pregnant or not, trust me.
#2- Dollar store pregnancy tests are just as accurate as brand name ones, and have a pee cup so you don’t have to bend over with your butt in the air, trying to catch the pee on a tiny stick, inevitably getting pee all over your hands. Take a few tests if you are skeptical. Even if you buy 10 it’ll still cost significantly less than the price of one brand name test!
#3- Baby showers have a poor ROI. I recently attended someone else’s baby shower, and it seems to be that the amount of money your friends spend on throwing you the shower significantly outweighs the cost of the shitty onesies that you will receive. Which is why I do not plan to have a baby shower. Just send me the money directly.
In all seriousness though, being pregnant for the first time brings a lot of surprises. Being pregnant in itself was the biggest surprise. I mean, I am of “advanced maternal age” according to all of my medical reports, and guys these days tend have to low sperm counts because of all the shit we put in our bodies. We were basically prepared for the fact that if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t? Well, we’re just gonna have to wait for a tragic accident to befall one of our good friends and hope that they trust us enough to leave in our care their already toilet-trained babies.
In addition, I didn’t know you were supposed to track your ovulation cycles on a stick. I didn’t measure my body temperature (we don’t even own a thermometer). We didn’t research the positions to do it in. Anyway, let’s just say that if getting pregnant was class, we were the students at the back, texting and paying attention to anything but the teacher.
The only thing I did do was read a lot of porn. Sorry, I mean erotic literature. I can’t stand watching porn, it’s way too…mechanical you know? Like am I supposed to be aroused by these nameless faceless genitals? Gimme some backstory. When they did first realize they liked each other? What were the obstacles that were holding them back? What got them to finally succumb to their desires? I can’t even say that was entirely for babymaking, but more for my own pleasure. 😉
Anywho, it seems that this kind of lasseiz-faire, que sera sera thinking was the recipe for conception. I have heard similar stories of couples who tried hard for a long time, but once they took the pressure off of themselves, that’s when it happened. But don’t quote me on it. I am by no means a M.D. I’m just another internet troll who thinks they know everything.
Yes, it’s true that pregnant women are snobs. After seeing my baby on the ultrasound, I felt like a goddamn superhero. Move over Einstein! Sure you won the Nobel prize, but can you grow a human being inside YOUR uterus?
So my fellow snobby mommies, what are some words of pearls of wisdom that you are dying to share now that you’ve been through it all? Hit me up below!
Xoxo,
Princess (soon to be mama) Kathleen the 3rd
Toronto - Shanghai - Vancouver 