A Chinese New Year Fairytale (Based on a true story)

Once up on a time, there was a Chinese Canadian Princess called Cinder-Princess-Kathleen-The 3rd (Let’s just called her CinderKathy).

She comes to visit her uncle for Chinese New Year, but he was under the mind control of his wife, Evila Stepmada. (Disclaimer: she was his real wife, that’s just her name. First name Evila. Last name Stepmada. Unfortunate I know, but any resemblance to the story of Cinderella or anyone in real life is purely coincidental.)

Evila Stepmada did not want CinderKathy around and therefore subjected her to constant verbal abuse, Evila’s secret weapon. She made crazy accusations against CinderKathy, such as closing the door too loudly or not washing the dishes properly. She also would not let CinderKathy use the heater despite being the middle of winter.

Evila made CinderKathy eat the same thing for break lunch and dinner; a gruel made of chicken feet and boiled cabbage.

It wasn’t because Evila was poor, on the contrary, she was the most powerful witch doctor in the village and everybody wanted to be in her good graces. All year long, the towns people venture around the globe and competed to gift her with the most exotic fruits they could find. She knew that CinderKathy’s favourite thing in the world were fruits, so she locked them up in a giant fridge in her dungeon. (Since this was in China, it was really just a balcony.)

Soon it was New Years Eve and the most powerful people in town were invited to Evila’s annual Chinese New Year Ball Feast. Evila could not let others see her true colors and therefore had to let CinderKathy join them. CinderKathy put on her fanciest Red Dress and went to the Ball, I mean Feast. When she arrived, everyone turned to look at her. They were blinded by her beauty and whispers spread like wildfire. “Who’s that?” “I didn’t know Evila had a daughter!” “It can’t be her daughter, she’s way more beautiful than Evila ever was!”

CinderKathy sat down and looked around the table. Sizzling duck breast, crystal clear shrimp dumplings and lobsters as big as a baby; quite a departure from the pig swill she was used to. She scanned the room for her uncle but did not see him. CinderKathy was so hungry that she didn’t think much of it and ate merrily with the other guests.

After dinner they retired to the living room. CinderKathy was instantly dazzled by what she saw there; it was love at first sight. Spread out before her was the biggest display of fruits she’s ever seen in her life. Juicy red cherries imported fresh from Germany, starfruits plucked by blind nuns in the Philippines, and many other fruits that she didn’t even know the names of.

Evila shot CinderKathy her most evil glare, muttering under her breath a spell to stop CinderKathy from eating her most precious fruits. But little did she know that CinderKathy had a secret weapon of her own, a pair of red boots that she hid underneath her dress.

She took it off, aimed it at Evila, and threw. Bam! Smacked her right in the boob! Evila screamed in pain and lunged at CinderKathy. “You little cunt!” She cursed, “If your uncle didn’t ruin my poison stew, I could have killed you tonight like I had planned!!”

All of the guest gasped at this revelation. Evila clasped her mouth shut once she realized what she had said. One of the guests immediately stepped forward and said “Ma’am, I am the town’s sheriff, and you are under arrest for attempted murder.” The officer led Evila away kicking and screaming all kinds of profanity.

CinderKathy suddenly remembered her uncle and ran around the house searching for him. She finally found him in Evila’s dressing room, chained to the radiator with fifty Iphone chargers. He was in shock but otherwise in good health. She was also overjoyed to find him finally free from Evila’s mind control. CinderKathy cut him loose and led him to the living room. All of the towns people clapped when they came in.

CinderKathy turned to her uncle and said “Uncle, you are now free!”. Her uncle smiled with tear in his eyes “Thank you CinderKathy.” then he said the magic words she’s been waiting to hear, “Let us eat fruit.” And they lived happily ever after.

The moral of the story is: Treat people nicely. Or they WILL turn you into a evil fairytale character and blast it all over social media. Ok, happy Chinese New Year Everybody!!!!